a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
either way he was missing a nipple.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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