Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
