Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
