apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
