cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
