Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
