My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
