I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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