I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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