are you still at the devil's house?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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