So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
