I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
