I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
