remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
