cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
