Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
