My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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