I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
