Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
