How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize