just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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