OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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