I'd wear matching sweaters with you
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize