she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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