u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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