Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
