dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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