We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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