im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
