Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
