This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
