well I can't set my house on fire every night
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
