Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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