I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Randomize
