Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Randomize
