I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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