Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
i believe in u and ur pee
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
