We're facebook friends in real life
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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