Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
