Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
