He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
