My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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