mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Randomize
