did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
