the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
