cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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