I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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