tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
