I faked an abortion last night.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
