the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
