i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
