I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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