You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
