I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
