Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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