I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
