SEEEEXXX PLEASE
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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