last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
