Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
