I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
