No, drunk sperm still make babies.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
