dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
