why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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