I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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