I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
